Why “Try Harder” Doesn’t Work
If “just try harder” worked, you’d already be there.
But for so many women I work with — especially mums and rural women carrying invisible load — January doesn’t feel like a fresh start.
It feels like… pressure.
Pressure to:
“get back on track”
improve everything
be more productive
lose weight
be calmer
be a better partner, mum, daughter, worker
finally become the version of yourself you think you should be
And if you’re already tired, burnt out, or in survival mode… traditional goal setting doesn’t inspire you.
It drains you.
Because burnout isn’t a motivation problem.
It’s a capacity problem.
So if January has you feeling behind, here’s the truth:
You don’t need more discipline.
You need goals that fit your nervous system.
1. Why “Try Harder” Doesn’t Work
When stress is high, your brain doesn’t function the way it does when you’re rested and safe.
Your nervous system prioritises survival — not long-term planning.
So you might notice:
procrastination
avoidance
low motivation
emotional reactivity
forgetfulness
shutting down
feeling like everything takes too much effort
That’s not laziness.
That’s overload.
Try this instead of “try harder”:
Ask: What is realistic in this season?
Choose one goal that supports stability, not performance
Stop setting goals from guilt
2. Set Values-Based Goals (Not Pressure-Based Ones)
A big reason goals don’t stick is because they’re built on pressure.
Goals like:
“I need to lose weight.”
“I should be more organised.”
“I have to stop snapping at the kids.”
“I need to be less anxious.”
These are often driven by self-criticism — and self-criticism rarely leads to sustainable change.
A values-based goal starts differently.
Instead of asking:
“What should I achieve?”
Try asking:
“How do I want to show up?”
Examples of values:
calm
steadiness
connection
care
presence
Then ask:
What’s one small action that honours that value this week?
Values-based actions work because you can do them even when life gets messy.
3. Avoidance Isn’t Laziness — It’s Protection
If you keep avoiding the things you want to do… it’s worth pausing and getting curious.
Avoidance often shows up when:
you’re burnt out
you’re overwhelmed
you have ADHD
you’re anxious
you’re scared you’ll fail
you’re scared you won’t do it perfectly
Avoidance is your nervous system saying:
“This feels too big.”
So instead of:
“Why can’t I just do it?”
Try:
“What is my brain trying to protect me from?”
The best way to work with avoidance is to reduce threat:
Make the goal smaller
Remove urgency
Build consistency slowly
Celebrate effort, not outcome
Small doesn’t mean pointless.
Small means safe enough to start.
4. A Gentle Note About Body Image Goals
January is full of body pressure.
And if your goals are based on “fixing” your body, they’ll almost always come with:
shame
obsession
rigid rules
comparison
guilt
Body image is not a discipline problem.
It’s often a stress response.
And in exhausted seasons of life, your body becomes the easiest target for self-criticism.
A gentler shift is to move your goals from:
appearance → care
punishment → respect
control → support
You don’t need to love your body to care for it.
You just need to stop treating it like the enemy.
5. Consistency Doesn’t Come From Perfection
Perfectionism makes people start hard… and then disappear.
Because perfectionism says:
“If I can’t do it properly, there’s no point.”
But sustainable change isn’t built on intensity.
It’s built on returning.
Real consistency looks like:
doing the smallest version
showing up imperfectly
continuing after missed days
adjusting without shame
A missed day isn’t failure.
It’s life.
A Simple January Reset
(5 minutes)
If you want a gentle way to reset this month, try this:
Step 1: Choose one value
What matters most right now?
Calm? Connection? Care? Steadiness?
Step 2: Choose one action
What’s one small action that honours that value this week?
Step 3: Make it smaller than you think
Aim for “easy enough to do on a hard day.”
Step 4: Plan for real life
Assume you’ll be tired. Assume the kids will interrupt.
Build the goal to fit reality, not fantasy.
Step 5: Review without shame
Ask: “What got in the way?” not “What’s wrong with me?”
Want support with this?
If this email feels like it’s describing your brain… you’re not alone.
This is the kind of work I do with clients in therapy — especially women navigating:
burnout
overwhelm
perfectionism
ADHD
anxiety
body image
emotional reactivity
I offer telehealth psychology sessions for rural women across Australia.
If you’d like to explore working together, you can register for a free callback with our team. But as always, if this information resonates, or you’re feeling overwhelmed, please check in with your GP or call 000 in an emergency.
